3/23/2010

Today we decided to make our own mayonnaise, as we can't find a commercially available one that does not have soy oil and a bunch of other crap in it.  We did find that Heinz makes a 100% organic ketchup and it's quite good.  Back to the mayo.  I ran upstairs to my office and Googled "home made mayonnaise"... a video from Gordon Ramsey pops up on Youtube.  So I clicked and watched it , twice in fact.  I'm all set, I go to the kitchen and tell Lisa "I need three organic egg yokes, juice from a half of a lemon, a teaspoon of English mustard and 750 ml. groundnut oil, salt and pepper to finish"  "What's groundnut oil?" Lisa asks.  "Beats me, I thought you would know"... back upstairs... Google "groundnut oil"...I learn that it's oil made from peanuts...makes sense to me, peanuts are really legumes and grow in the "ground", so why not groundnut oil?  back to the kitchen.  "Lisa groundnut oil is peanut oil"  "Great we have peanut oil in the basement fridge!"  I pull out the food processor and Lisa informs me that she forgot to tell me that she broke off the little thingie that acts as a safety, without it the thing is as useless as a 8mm projector.  I can make a work around!  (Yeah I know how dangerous it can be to modify a food processor to work with the lid off, blah, blah, blah, I remember Geroges Perrier)  Down to the basement I go; I grabbed some wire, duct tape a hammer, three paper clips, a can of cat food and a pair of pliers.  Two minutes later the processor is working just fine (and the cats are fed), cover on or cover off (the food processor, not the cats).  Fuck, MacGyver. Now I'm in business!  I do exactly what Gordo told me to do:  Put three egg yokes in food processor, add the mustard and give it a quick spin.  Then very, very, actually glacially slowly pour in the oil.  After thirty seconds you can add the oil a little faster.  It was at about the 25 second mark that I began to get an inkling that something was going awry. "Hey Lisa, is it supposed to look like a fucking golf-ball rolling around the food processor?" Uh...no, I don't think so came the reply.  I decided to continue to add all 750 ml of oil.  When all was said and done we had a bowl of what looked like curdled buttermilk with maybe a little more yellow added.  Still we decided to taste it, YECH! Coagulated chunks of peanut flavored tapioca, floating in peanut flavored oil with snot.


We threw it out, cleaned everything up and tried again.  This time we would vary the rate at which we add the oil. (does it really take an organic chemistry major to make mayo?)  For a brief second it looked like it was turning into something that might be related to mayonnaise.  Sadly a mere nanosecond later it took on the consistency of eggnog, worse yet, it still tasted like peanut flavored phlegm... back up to the office to delve a little deeper into the groundnut oil mystery.  Himmmmn, turns out that groundnut oil is oil made from peanuts, nowhere did it say it was peanut oil .  After a few more searches I learn that almost any type of oil can be used to make mayo...  Thanks for the heads up Gordon!  Ya Limey bastard...  Back to the kitchen I go.


Lisa was just finishing cleaning up the evidence food processor.  By now we have wasted consumed all our peanut oil (not that it mattered) Lisa went to the basement and quickly returned with some sort of oil that is on our "good foods" list, I don't know what kind it was.  At this point I really didn't care.  I was fantasizing about blowing the shit out of the Goddamn, worthless piece of shit, good for nothing, cock sucking, food processor with a fucking shotgun!  We put the fucking three organic egg yokes, the teaspoon of Fuck you Gordon Ramsey! English mustard in the fucking food processor,  give the stupid piece of shit a quick spin and then slowly, drop by fucking painful drop add the muther fucking oil...   Know what?  Once again we ended up with fucking, Goddamn, phlegm flavored Eggnog oil and snot!  


Time for a vodka!  Oh baby was it time for vodka!


As we're throwing back an ice cold shot of mothers milk vodka, it hits me like a ton of bricks.  I know what I did wrong!  Did you pick up my mistake?  I'll give you a hint, it was the same mistake each time....


Jumping Jesus on a fucking pogo-stick!  I forgot the fucking Lemon juice!!!
So for the fourth time, we start the process; only this time with the lemon juice. Long story short; Guess what?  It turned out pretty damn good, if I do say so myself (which I just did)

We are now the proud owners of 750 ml. of what is absolutly (sic) the worlds most expensive mayo.

Gotta run Lisa just called me to dinner....

(30 minutes later)............................................................

Through no fault of our mayo, the meal was bordering on inedible!
It was a chicken, water chestnut casserole, normally a favorite.  However this time done all organic etc..etc... Some of the sprouted hippy dippy grains in the bread that we are eating these days got so hard, it was like trying to bite down on a 1/8th carat diamond.  I was actually scared to take each bite!  Thankfully no teeth were broken during the meal.

Tonight we had our first failed meal of the new health regime.
One out of 15.  I can live with that; after all we still have vodka!

More tomorrow...
Bald Bill